Philip Arthur
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 Posted:
Sat Nov 20, 2004 3:35 am Post subject:
OT: How the Two Political Groups Began |
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Division of the human family into 2 distinct political groups began some
12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer & would
go to the beach & live on fish & lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer &
the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals &
Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of
agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our
early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,
they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
"the Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker & less skilled at
hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly
B-B-Q's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning
of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as 'girleymen.' Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs & the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that
conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized
by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals
are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef
well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare. Another
interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are
liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't
"fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively
outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives
who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers &
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
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