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smiles on dials ( why )
+++

i'm about to get dressed
to jump on th unicycle

and go put some

smiles on dials


th street around th corner
part of th
xmas lights display

put on my
sharkfin bicycle hat
with th wizard skin

bastards to skin
stay down ya bastard
just wanna cutting

leave th music at home
and go to see th kiddies smile


course

i'll have a cone or two first
marijuana that is

so i dont feel it too much
in th nether regions

it's not a long enough ride
to make em go comfortably numb


if no-one hits a horn
i havent done my job properly

***


i'll leave th sarong at home
i promise

just pants

and maybe a red shirt


that says

NEED HEAD

not big letters

entertain


old and young


with a guy with no head

i'll leave th

pointy little
red

elf shoes
at home


i think

+++



merry xmas


+++



ahhh

it's not th same as riding for th nightclubbers

not doin that today

and to tell ya th truth

i had more fun goin down


the dark road round th corner

than th lit one
with all th ppl


put th music back in th ears

and flew on th unicycle

to bjork

doing
pagan poetry


with my eyes shut

ya dont dance properly pon it
till ya close your eyes

just open em up
often enough
to see where im goin


didnt hit anything
but then

i dont generally



it's nicer than ridin for ppl

which is what they assume you're doing

if they see you



tide's turned again

+++


you;re never truly alive
unless you're performing

you dont express
you dont emote

unless
you;re performing


love dancing on my unicycle
and what it does to ppl

+++


and what it does to me
comfortably numb


rock spider asked me
last week

we'd stopped singin for a bit

do you ride that down country roads ?


yeah man

i ride it everywhere


but th beach at dusk is good
low tide

and into about a foot deep in th surf

that's damn good


gets ruined by ppl though

come and stop ya
for different reasons


some of em just
run out into th surf and knock ya down
cause you're th clown


they dont see a human being

they sure as shit dont see a surfer


you dropped into my wave
and i hate fuckheads


where's my baseball bat ?

+++


can do without my ride in th valley tonight
i wont miss fuckheads tryin to take me out though

even if they arent good enough

+++


tell yourself anything
to ease th pain


+++



i coulda gone to th beach
a couple of weeks back
but said no


previous experience
of ppl


i didnt ride in th surf this winter gone

it keeps th fuckheads down


will i ride this summer ?


will i chase litle waves to th beach
to find a girl on it
with her friends
wanting a picture


will i chase a bigger wave along
to find some fuckhead guy
tryin to crashtackle me
cause im ridin a unicycle in th surf


or will i chase that

back of of an even bigger wave

in a rip
where th fuckheads dont dare go

and have a seven second ride of just
fuckin hell


before i get swept out

with th unicycle

out to sea

that was a doozie

no repeats pls




i dunno

when i do go

i wont think of any of these things

too excited




go find that
perfect wave


and of course

i consume a shitload of drugs


so i cope better

when ya fuckin stand in my wave

and hold up a camera to me


worse if it's drop dead gorgeous
trust me

+++


"im not a doctor"

+++


i dont always hear about it

sometimes i can get off th beach

without hearin a single



comment


and if i dont go and sing with a busker that night
as is my want


i dont get ppl comin up

and
callin me a legend


sometimes
ya just dont wanna hear comments
just do what you;re doin


bit like this net thing
i dont read comments


i ride down th road on a unicycle
cause it makes my testicles feel better


and ppl
from all different countries

all say th same things


like


where's your other wheel ?


heard it all
seen it all


before



so many times


been doin this years



th headphones i use now
i can hear comment

and cars

can ride fairly safely

double plugged
and eyes closed


gettin a better pair
it strikes occasionally

pls


not that again


i aint stoned enough to hear that

give me a break



an hour ago

i heard it again

ridin thru th xmas lights


and as soon as i passed that last light

th music went back in th ears

and then i smiled

and started dancin

+++

got called away to th phone

+++

said hi to th big black cat
sitin on th bannister

he's th only male pet


+++


you stay out there digger

+++


the dogs have got

tonka trucks
for food dishes


two black dogs

these are my brothers animals


+++


th dogs have got a
xj6 jaguar
as a bed


mate of mine gave it to us


someone forgot to put a door on it

+++


i like th fact

that th dogs

sleep in a big cat


th council lady
cute as it happens

who happened by today
did smile


th labrador is

loud


+++


i did battle with th jungle this afternoon jane

it nearly beat me

fuck that grass grows fast


think i might do

many mowings

and get down to number two's

over th whole yard


used to love my yard

my little brother's yard however

i love occasionally


+++



well i put him up
he's doin me a return favour

+++


like our

two and a half men setup
on weekends


makes me feel like a dad again

+++


hate th sink though
after th weekend


fuckin destroyed


lounge is a mess

car bits everywhere


car parts under my bed

car parts in th cupboards

he's built so many cars


current project
is a range rover

lookin real nice too


guy drove it thru a bridge

ya cant tell



not now anyway



says he's not gunna
put a bigger motor
bigger tyres
jack it up
and thrash shit out of it


all of us

are like

you wanna put money on that ?

which angers him

it is pretty



we just know th boy
and love him

+++


i did love th
bronco
with th big block

cried when it left

moved my computer upstairs

th view suffered


+++


i looked into th garage
i dont wanna look at a land rover


been under em too much


+++


fair dinkum
read a land rover magazine

just once


pls just once


it's fucked
it leaks
it keeps breakin down
i should have an A grade mechanic
live in a shelter on th back of it

and i love it


i bought my brother
his first car


a land rover

but i sensibly

made sure it had a holden motor in it

much as i detest holdens

got a ford in th drive



we lived on th atherton tablelands


parents recently deceased

double murder suicide
let's not go there

and i drove

surprise surpise

another ford falcon

had three now


no four


five if ya count th wreck that's goin


it's a parts vehicle

donor


should burn it i agree
sorry


anyway


th land rover

that fits under that thing
that looks like a lunar landing module in th front yard
"camper setup"

is a 130 dual cab


man it's unreliable



just had another gearbox

and i thought they were tough


we should re engine it
we've done it to everything else

+++

i had a
little suzuki

four wheel drive


huge motor in it

went pop

as you'd expect

towin seven by five trailers over frazer island

biggest sand island in th world


so we got a datsun

and put it's motor
in th zuke


and put a really big radiator
to cope with deep white beach sand


and some big tyres


and i had a lot of fun

climbin over th island


ya could

hold it flat out

non stop

in th deep stuff

nonstop


and it wouldnt overheat

in thirty odd degrees

summer temps



no worries


+++



i had to glue
two five cent coins

into th tailshaft

with araldite

to stop it leaking


and had a bit of fun

gettin my extremely short

tailshaft balanced

but mostly
it was just a fun toy

+++



wheels to go tailor fishing

on th beach

on frazer island


tailor fishing is better than sex


trust me

im not a doctor

+++

i dont care if it's nicole kidman
if it gets on my wave
it's goin down


sorry

shouldnt drink rum and surf

+++



"mellow"

ok
i'll have a cone


some of that i think


fine ganja man

+++

i wont be
smokin drugs thru a potato
while singing in th street tonight

+++


bugger


+++


ya gotta love rock spider

+++


he's out there


+++


ok class
i've found my penis
i'm off for a play

+++


seriously
ya cant dance properly on it

till th eyes shut


th visual cortex
just sucks

so much


you'll be boppin along
and thinkin
you;re in phase


close th eyes to check

and

no

nearly a quarter rotation out

but not enough to throw out th flywheel


slip into th groove

and then open th eyes

and see th difference


yeah



just hummin along
in stable flight


no we're on instruments

and balanced

and you can feel
th gravity

of certain objects

if you
sensitize


they pull you


a truck
parked on th side of th road

can drag you to a collision


trust me
i'm not a doctor

+++



oh yeah

better have an ice cold coke in yur hand

+++


"knock ya down and grab it"
jennifer

+++


"it's th drugs i tell ya"

+++


as a fitness thing

forgettin th drippie chicks
"for th moment"

you never worked so hard in yur life

as sloggin thru a foot and a half of water on a unicycle

on a 27


every muscle in yur body
is pushin

and u still
have to stay in balance


just doesnt hurt when ya fall down

ya dig ?

+++


try ridin

THRU

a wave


specially a bigun

fun as


+++


on th right beach
on th right tide
with th right slope

rainbow beach last time

u can do somersaults
off th wheel

into th backs of th waves

+++


"lived with jane"


+++

fuck off


+++


little brother's off gettin his hair cut
in th house where i met jane


did her hair too


and her hair went from

nicole kidman

to paris hilton
and back again


i preferred it curlie

but i got curlie hair too


ya threw me out this time last year
and it cant work

and you absolutely destroy a bed

and i got a bad habit
of seein my ex girlfriends

again
and again

and again



dropped u and morticia both
a little later in th piece

unusual for me

i dint get th sexchange
not goin to


and my diary says i have less pain
not livin with women


we'll see how long that lasts


i was datin both of ya's
but my diary was whingin about pain

i've learned to listen to it

that's not fuckin working


miss it now of course
screwin two chicks

but umm

th lesser emotional turmoil

is just fuckin yummie


ah man

+++


i had two pretty girls though
although this time

i didnt introduce them


just knew about each other
and both read my diary

well for a while


that was fun
online diary

and screwin two chicks


was a fantasy

of mine


like most fantasies

hardly worth it in th flesh


although

jane surprised me

usually
i'd found
if they;re that good lookin
ya can forget th bedroom

fuckin useless

not jane


oh baby when i squeeze yur lemon
and ur juice runs down my leg



hell of a partner


hope u found a normal guy
or girl


to handle


well both of ya;s really

ya both went both ways


shoulda introduced ya

fuck man


jane woulndt have chickened out
at th bathtub

woulda had ya over th sink morticia


when i do get to th edge of th island

i will call ya for a coffee


three odd years as my weekend squeeze down th edge of th island
we gotta lot of

out there memories together


when i was fingering u
and chattin up
th lady from across th way

and she didnt notice for like

half an hour



i havent fogotten ya leanne
not one bit

if i had another bike
id tool thru there in no time


+++


cant count
how many
supposedly all female parties i;ve been to

in th backblocks
of th edge of th island


introduced as

the unicycle man

not paulie


but then

i had a make up artist
doin out there faces

and
i was a street entertainer

th weirdest i guess


seven french chicks
at xmas

and one other


but that was three of us guys

we were th entertainers

i was a bit green

stiffed morticia for a date


on xmas eve


and landed

at dawn


xmas morning




and she fucked me silly



no shit
all these french chicks

no guys


just dripping
was morticia


"so was i"


shut up jennifer
i'm reminiscing

a nice xmas


"ya fucked morticia last xmas too"
ah but will i again ?
that;s th question


"we'll have to wait and see"

+++


umm

this will be just a brief customs inspection

now take down yur briefs

+++

yes here

+++


i dunno

you'd have to be an out there chick to top morticia

she fucked me in th doorway of a nightclub
in surfers paradise

while th bouncers

stood there and watched


it can be a lotta fun

bein a street entertainer

+++

they called her

th girls that is


th head witch of th gold coast

+++


mostly
i came home


well she took numbers for when i wasnt there

it was in our contract


still is

far as i know

+++


couple of times
little brother has left

to go to th stradbroke island
camping grounds
on boxing day
day after xmas

and i've had a chick

on th lounge room floor

before he's gotten on th ferry




if yur readin this morticia

i think he's goin a day late this year


"or jane"


anything's possible


+++


i want my shovel back

+++


i'm not talking to you
till i get it back

i can live with that

+++


with my past
seventeen years as a minder to a showie

you sure u wanna steal that shovel ?

+++


i used to sit in a truck
without a weapon

with more cash than u make in a year
nobody there bothered me

+++


i did a few years of martial arts
teach th young fella to defend himself

and try
to get thru

u dont use it
unless yur life is in danger

when that guy had me round th neck

couple of months back
i didnt use it

he wasnt gunna hurt me

cause if i unleash
and th legs let go
we're talkin broken ribs

for starters


th feet were fast
to start with
i stopped trainin
cause i was brakin ppl's thumbs


they;d go to block
and other leg would b there

and they go fuckin quick

on a unicycle

know what i mean


i ride where i fucking pls

middle of th road


and down th edges th wrong way


+++

sorry
there's a certain boy
who shall remain nameless


that i'd like to pound a little sense into

+++


usually i'm a pacifist


+++


i get another phone call from that girl
about you

+++

"enough"

+++


mmmmmmmm


+++


"that's not a big cat growl"
it is now

+++


i wanna sing with yur princess parrot again
cum down fuck me later eyes

wonder if she's doin belly dancin tonight ?

+++

where'd i leave my phone ?
"in th car i think"

ok

+++


i found three pairs of sunglasses yesterday

+++


it wasnt in th car
i let th cat out
he wanted out

did hear th girl nxt door

mentioning a mobile but


weird

+++


here we are
crept under th sheet

+++


lose anything on drugs

+++


just lookin at my old

one percenter bike helmet

with a piccie of donald duck
scratched in th helmet surface

with a lightning bolt hittin his ass


this is th clean side

+++

even a


i luv you paul
luv milly


got one of them on th bed

from morticia


+++


arent chicks sweet ?

+++



i like writin on things


+++


the wimps club

in th bottom right corner

we knew who we were


course later on
i joined a real motorcycle club

a historical one

well
hysterical might be more apt


and was vice president for a while


that was different

+++


got my old helmet
sittin top of this


painting of a black fella

my nickname for

fuckin years

has been

black fella


or black bastard

or black

or blackie


changed a bit over th years

i settled on

blk


it's what i sign my art with


a magic man
sittin off by himself
thinkin about things

with three kangaroos for company


looks kinda like he's writing

+++


so im gunna read this article

about whether i want a maybach
or a phantom


they're only like
million dollar cars

i got fifteen


ya gotta dream
even if some of em
arent worth livin
in th flesh

ya gotta dream


+++


lived a few too many fantasies in th last few years

kinda lost it's

appeal


i think i'll
do my usual

put in some

solitary miles


on a flywheel

probably stoned

down some gorgeous country lanes


and a few gravel paths


at odd hours of th day

when it

reaches for me


get back into th spirit of th wheel
for it's own sake

without all th human beings wanting to label it
and voice their opinions


cant keep their mouths shut
poor things

and just
prove everyday
that it doesnt matter what colour
or race

or kind of human being


or what even what fuckin sex

it seems

where's your other wheel ?

is universal



either that or they give it to th tourists
when they enter australia

dont think so



i dont fucking need it


lost th plot


gotta go double plugged for a while
or i'll be telling some gorgeous creature
to go fuck herself

in th street


and umm



we try to avoid that

cause she cant

you know


only a boy can do that


so


umm



maybe it's a good thing i cant afford
to go hit th beach this week

i think i'm not ready

need a litle holiday from ppl first



otherwise i'll have some gorgeous blonde in th surf
askin if i mind
havin my photo taken with em

and she asks where my other wheel is

and i tell her about
th

go fuck yourself homepage


i dont think so

i'm generally nicer than that

less of course

some fuckhead

has run out
ten minutes earlier

to be funny and knock me down


and i got my mp3 player wet


well then


maybe



i'd leave th beach


i saved it last time


guy came out into th surf

at night
under th spotlight

windmilling


and i came down


and i was fuckin cut
man i wanted to hit him

brand new mp3 player

i trust my skills



i cant trust you



it survived th dunk

and i'm still shitty

+++



no holes underwheel

nuthin untoward out there

no sting rays to scare th fuck out of me


everythin's perfect

fanatastic music

been waitin so long



ah fuck


SPLASH


+++



yeah you;re real funny


+++


wouldnt mind if you were payin for it
you payin for it ?

+++


tokk me ages to get that thing

no shudder music

can jump over gutters


no break in th sound

which was bringin me down

literally

cause when th rhythm stops suddenly

so do you

cause you;re in synch



just

SMASH


and you';re runnin down th road
sans wheel


+++


ppl like to see crashes

just wanna remind you ppl

about common assault



there's always someone filming

i been on telly a few times

+++


if you knock me over and i break something
i will break something of yours
before they can drag me off

that's a promise


and i am fucking fit
you wont get away



just preparing myself

for another silly season


i've seen some mad shit
from th perspective of a unicycle seat

i've even had a hen's night go to town
and take skin samples


seven chicks with sharp finger nails


their hands get in everywhere

you try explainin that one to a girlfriend



that scrape outta my balls

umm



and one out of th perinium

and a couple in th butt


and a back that looks like a

king tiger

had a field day


well i was just ridin this unicycle
and these girls wanted to say gday


ah man

dettol


this is gunna hurt


hang on

i'll just have a cone
and a bourbon

you ever have these troubles ?

..
..
..

love ya's FUCKIN hard

cause it just aint th same without th fucking



the land surfer...

....

p.s.


i'll ride th beach again

and i'll meet more fuckheads

but not today


stumbled over my block of clay

and starin at
my last creation

a cute little car

ocarina

with a full octave



needs firing

need to make a couple more
th music shop down th road

always ask when i buy strings
are you making ocarina's again ?


mostly i've just given them away
we did th markets one time

i like to make each one different
no pattern


one in th car is a toilet
it's fired though

"a fired porcelain toilet ?"

not quite
close


and i got this program i wanna write


similar to my
image duplicate finder

but workin with sound instead of vision


and i gotta find my mike
it's gone missin in th last shift


and that ex goodies bike
solo utility wants finishin


some things to do
at home


<< Smile >>


have a nice xmas





blk